As our wedding date approached and my frustration with finding an ethical form of birth control abounded, I submitted a question to ylcf.org. I had a feeling that some of the contributors there would be like-minded, and I asked specifically if they knew of any hormonal birth control options which only prevented ovulation.
One of the girls, who is also a newlywed, sent me a very long personal e-mail in reply! She didn't know of any ethical hormonal options, either, but she told me some more about NFP and another method I'd never heard of called the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM).
From that info session back in college, I knew the basic premise of NFP. A healthy woman ovulates once a month, so she is only fertile for a limited number of days. A married couple seeking to avoid pregnancy would simply abstain from intimacy during those days. But I wasn't sure if this was the best idea. 1 Corinthians 7 talks about a husband and wife giving to each other freely. Would my husband really go for that much abstinence? And what if our honeymoon was a fertile time? I'd also dismissed NFP in my mind because I assumed that it was the same as the "rhythm method," about which I'd always heard "it doesn't work."
FAM, I learned, is sort of a hybrid between NFP and using a barrier to prevent pregnancy. I don't know why I'd hardly heard of our thought of barriers before. True, they are not as convenient as a pill and have somewhat statistically lower success rates in preventing pregnancy. But it seems like barriers are under-rated. There are several options out there, and with FAM, you don't even need to use them all the time. You just use them during your fertile times.
In that revelationary and revolutionary e-mail, I learned about a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. I got my own copy almost for free on paperbackswap.com. While the rhythm method assumes that all women have perfect 28-day cycles, Weschler discusses in detail how to use NFP or FAM effectively by charting your own fertility signs. Her book definitely isn't written from a Christian perspective, but it's an indispensible guide to either method. Her book also discusses in depth how to use charting to help achieve pregnancy.
I believe that recent studies have shown links between the use of hormonal birth control and increased health risks to women. I haven't researched these studies very much, but because of them I'm especially thankful to have learned about FAM. Ylcf.org now has a more detailed explanation of the two methods on its "married" blog. And if anyone is interested in learning about some good online charting sites or other resources, I'd be happy to share them with you personally.
Many of you know that John and I decided mid-October that we would like to have a baby if the Lord blessed us with one. And He did, right away, but then He saw fit to allow us to lose that baby in mid-December. I still miss that little one a lot, and I bring him up again to let you know that we didn't get pregnant because FAM failed. In fact, I now know of women who have used FAM or NFP to successfully avoid pregnancy for a number of years, and then achieved a pregnancy shortly thereafter. We know that God hasn't failed us, either, and we're learning to love Him and trust Him more, I hope, every day.
Thanks for posting Gretchen, I think most people just assume that the rhythm method is all there is of its sort and that it doesn't work. My only experience with it though was when we did want to have a second child. We charted 7 months and gave up and only then did we get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI also appreciate how open you have been talking about your baby. Not that I'm glad you had to go through that, but it has been helpful to read.
Thank you for sharing Gretchen. I wonder though if you would lend some biblical basis for family planning. It seems like such a huge area of our lives as Christian wives. Something I have always believed and I thought biblically speaking should be totally given over to the Lord. Obviously a decision between a husband and a wife and not asking you to divulge your personal decisions more or how you came to them. But since you brought this up I thought maybe you could go more in detail about your thoughts on how it is Biblical for a family to "plan" pregnancies on a more broad theological note...and then maybe allow me to rebut if I may. Also because I think that your blog is a great testimony to other "seeking- or faithfull Christian wives or wives-to-be". I think it a neat oppurtunity to talk about the other side of fully giving our wombs over to our maker.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Hey Missy . . . you do like tough questions. ;-) I honestly don't know if I've thought through this as much as you have. I know there are books out there (One called A Full Quiver, I think) but I haven't read any of them. But, sure, I'll give it a shot, and feel free to rebut, so long as we still love each other when all is said and done!
ReplyDeleteI think some of the main verses about this issue are Psalm 127 ("Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward") and 128 ("Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine Within your house, Your children like olive plants Around your table." I understand these verses to mean:
- Children are a blessing, still.
- In particular, children were a blessing in the Old Testament, because the promise of God to Israel was continued through generations of children. Now, the promise is to those who believe, which is why there was a more special emphasis on children in the Old Testament.
Also, verses like 1 Timothy 5:14 "Therefore, I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach;" and many others in the letters of Paul assume that families should have children and love them! I think that for a married couple not to want children is selfish and unBiblical. Possibly also true of a married couple who only wants 1 or 2 children.
But, I just don't see anywhere in the Bible where we are told to have as many children as possible.
- Some people aren't able to have any children or many children, and I don't believe that it's Biblical to say they are less blessed or that God loves them less than people who have large families. Also, some women have special health concerns where they CAN continue to have children but it would be harmful to themselves . . . in this case I believe it is more important to make sure that Mommy is healthy for the other kids than to keep having more kids.
We ARE commanded to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4) and to discipline them. ("He who withholds his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently." Proverbs 13:24).
- Some people honestly do a better job of raising their children than others do. I've seen awesome big families where the children are all well-taught and get along and help each other, but I've also seen big families where the training of the children is, imo, neglected. I think we should be more concerned about training our children, which is clearly Biblical, than just having lots of children, which isn't as clear.
We're also clearly commanded as women to freely give our bodies to our husbands (1 Cor. 7), which is why I strongly prefer FAM to NFP with its potentially long periods of abstinence. And we're commanded to submit to our husbands. (Ephesians 5:22 and others "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.") Since I believe that family-size isn't a clear issue in the Bible but submission is, I knew that I could marry a guy who either believed in a totally hands-off approach to family planning or a guy who believed in family planning, as long as he wanted children and was thoroughly pro-life. I got the second kind of guy, so I have to submit to him.
Ultimately, as Amy mentioned, I don't believe that being natural always makes something better. A lot of times it does, but not always. And, as I've mentioned before, we DO believe that at the end of the day, "Man makes his plans, but God directs his steps." (Proverbs 16:9). No matter what we do to promote or prevent, ultimately God determines how large our family should be. If we were trying to avoid a pregnancy, but a barrier failed and we got pregnant anyway, we would be happy and realize that God wanted us to have a child right there and then.
Kay, that's it for now. Fire away. :-)
Gretchen,
ReplyDeleteWell said. I have enjoyed reading your recent posts.