Thankfulness in Sorrow

 

My new calendar

 I "needed" a new calendar.  By that statement, I mean that I could have adjusted and used the calendar on my phone this year, but I like to keep myself organized with a wall calendar.  Plus, there was going to be a big empty space on my kitchen bulletin board once I took down the 2009 Ireland calendar I loved so well.

This was the cutest one I found in the American Greetings store where they were all 75% off.  :-)  I asked John if he liked it, and he said he did, then added playfully, "And, if we had children, it would be normal!"

Well, I like Olivia the pig, so it doesn't particularly bother me if having a calendar of her isn't "normal."  But his comment, like so many other things these days, served to remind me again of the baby we lost. 

It is true, though, that even in the darkest moments, I found that I had reasons to be thankful.  I was thankful for good health care, and cried out in pity for those in third world countries whose lives might be threatened by experiences similar to mine.  I was thankful that God preserved my life.  I was thankful that He took our baby away and not John.  I was thankful, as my sweet cousin reminded me then, that I was able to get pregnant in the first place.

I can't say that I quite echo the sentiments of this woman quoted in Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt.  I'm more rebuked by them than anything else. 

I'll never be tempted to question the goodness of God in giving us a baby we never held.  How could anyone be less than bursting with parental pride over a baby who brings you this much joy and expectation?  I can't! . . . My baby's life was not long enough to have any pictures to carry in my billfold, but was long enough to fill my heart with wonderful memories.  I was never hurt by my child's rebellion, was never embarrassed by my child's actions, and I never had to discipline him.  This was my child who brought me only joy all the days of his life.  Thank you, God, for that kind of child; it was a gift only you could give.  [p. 153-154]

Still, while there is much I don't understand, I can pray for eyes to see our baby's life as God sees it and I can pray for a heart ready to praise Him as this woman's was.